i was in bed, just now, preparing myself for an early bedtime. but guess what decided to run across my mind? that day the therapist at school decided to send me to the hospital. because of what? well.... because of the phrase that starts with "try" and ends with "myself". can you guess?
anyways. when he said i should go to the hospital, i said whatever. he said it was his job to make sure i am safe and not a threat to others but most importantly myself. so WHAT THE SHIT. he CALLED EMS. woah. ok. so the hospital is one block away. i had to be strapped to an ambulance to go to the hospital that was one block away. anyways. i get there. and they put me in a WHEELCHAIR? haha. oh man. ok. fine.
they give me stupid hospital clothes. barely clothes. but really its... cloth. they gave me two so i could tie one on the back and put one on like a gown to tie in the front. how convenient.
so because of that one phrase, i became an insane patient in a second.
i'm trying to sleep now, and this is all that is going on in my head. my brain is replaying every minute of that horrid day. that terrifying day.
being driven to the hospital in an ambulance with earl sitting next to me. even though letting the therapist send me to the hospital was the worst decision of my life, calling earl so that he could come with me was one of the best decisions i've made. though it probably wasn't for him.
earl, you stood right there next to me through this whole shit event. you were right by me. and when you couldn't, you were right outside the room. i don't... know how i could possibly thank you. enough. to make my point clear. thank you.
what pissed me off the most about that day is the stupid fucking dipshit social worker. who, by the way, thought by asking me some dumb procedural question could psychoanalyze me and classify what was happening to me. uh... no. if i ever see that dumb bitch ever again, i will ask her the same questions and see if she fits any of the fucking criteria to be locked up in a room. which is highly likely. why the fuck else would she be doing this as a job if she weren't some sort of crazy. she' just trying to hide what's fucked her up. she had no answers for me. just questions. she has no brain. she has no brain. not one fucking brain cell.
will and danny, i cannot believe you guys stayed for so long. when i heard you guys had come, i think that's when i finally felt like i could ask for nothing more. i had no idea earl had told you boys. that is when i knew, i have friends. and seriously... family. you know i would have camped at the door for you kidz. haha.
you think just because im young i don't know what i'm doing. well, yeah. its true that sometimes i have no idea what the fuck is going on. but you know, i'd be better off not knowing and finding out for myself than being told what to do. because hey, taking orders aint so fun. its not something i've ever been good at. being told what's right and what's wrong for me, no one has the right to tell me that. because i decide for myself. nobody knows me more than i do, right? it should stay that way.
anyways. at the hospital, i met this on call med student. he, sat in that shithole room with me for a while. we talked, he listened--which was what i needed after nobody would listen to me or tell me anything. he was really comforting. i wish i could remember his name. a great fucking big thank you to him. a nice med student at 3 am when i was going insane in a white but ironically dirty room saved me from pulling my hair out.
day is bright, at least i think it should be since its 9am. fernanda brings me things and the stupid doctor checks me out. what did they do? did they help? i put on my "i'm totally ok" face so i could get the fuck out of there. they just wasted a bed and room for a completely nothing me at their hospital. stupid fucks.
day is not bright because it is pouring. all i can think about it taking a shower and getting high. which of course, i did. in that order. then.... that was when the decision was made to come back home. drop school and everything else.
everything happened so fast. i never really had the time to replay it. until now. until, i lay in bed on this non-special day thinking i would get some extra hours of sleep.
end.
